MortarBlog

"Slay All Suckas Who Perpetrate, You Will."

"Size matters not...Oh, shoe size you meant. 12EE I am. Yeah, that's right." 

We're kinda diggin' the new Adidas X Star Wars Collection. Even better is the Facebook app they put out where you can use the Death Star to zap your friends' houses. Something-something Dark Siiiiiiiiiiide.

Almost forgot: that Mos Eisley really is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Our kind of NSFW town!

We Grow Weary Of Your Sexually Suggestive Dancing - Bring Us Our Ranch Dressing Hose!

Far be it from us to criticize the great Hugh Hefner (blessings and peace be upon him,) but the cover girl for Playboy's November 2009 issue is rumored to be...Marge Simpson?! Well, we suppose it does get folks talking about Playboy, which is always a good thing. For Playboy.

Plus, it gives us an excuse to post random Simpsons quotes:

MARGE: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?

HOMER: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?

MARGE: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!

HOMER: Now who's being naïve?!

You tell her, Homey.

Important-Sounding Stuff About Conversion Rates

Ah, the Eternal Mystery Of The Click-Through. Has Yahoo! cracked the code? Hell if we know. But this here's an interesting article about folks trying to figure it out.

Welcome to ad:tech. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Have you ever been to a fair, only there's no rides? And for some reason it's inside of a giant basement and complete strangers ask you awkward questions every time you approach a booth - which turns out to have neither games nor prizes?

Welcome to the world of conventions, little Junior Copywriter. Behold the magical wonders that await around every partition, down every aisle. Enter to win more iPhones than you could ever possibly use - with a mere drop of a business card!

I was lured into this strange, subterranean land today while walking by the cubical of a fellow Mortaron. We shall call him "Sam Pipersky". Sam had an ad:tech badge sitting on his desk. Questions ensued. Fifteen minutes later, I found myself several blocks away at San Francisco's infamous Moscone Center, trying to look inconspicuous amongst a sea of khakied promoters and men wearing blazers with lanyards instead of ties.

"What do I need a tie for? I've got a lanyard!" they must think.

I went from booth to booth, trying to absorb as much as possible before anyone back at Mortar noticed I was gone.

There were brochures galore, eye-catching piles of candy, bowls full of business cards, video displays for companies that had nothing to do with video, and hordes of colorful gizmos, whatnots, mousepads, and logo pens.

The booth staff were as diverse as the number of ways to put "e" before an otherwise low-tech company name. Some were laid back. Some were really excited. Some looked lonely. Most looked like they were eagerly awaiting the moment when they could put everything away and grab a nice cocktail. Some wanted to tell me about their company, but most wanted to hear about mine.

One, after glancing at my badge, asked, "So... Sam, what do you do at... Mortar?"

Not remembering that a very different title was on my badge, I replied, "Oh, I'm a writer."

"Oh. Hm, Pipersky, where is that from?"

Think fast, Thea! "Uuuuh, I think it's German."

"Really. Interesting name, Pipersky."

I made a break for it, diving into the crowd - but first grabbing a logo-embellished sugar cookie.
I tried to blend in, taking a brochure here, a flyer there, a free mousepad, a foam million-dollar bill - until I made my way back near the exit.

On the way out, a little old man handed me a cone of fluffy blue cotton candy.
"For me?" I asked. He gestured to his mouth to explain that it was, indeed, edible.

It tasted like raspberries.

I left Moscone center and came back into the sunlight, disoriented - and slightly sweaty. As I walked back down the familiar blocks of my home city, by bearings slowly returned.

Had it all been a dream?

As I write this post, I glance over at the bulletin board on my cubical wall. There, between a zebra postcard and a humorously edited Superman comic frame, is a foam million-dollar bill, haphazardly tacked to the board by the coworker I threw it at.

Maybe ad:tech is real after all.

Vikki's Secret

Mortar's own brand development whiz, Vikki Garrod, was interviewed by KGO-AM radio last Thursday about Victoria's Secret.

Download VikkiSecret.mp3

Yes, it was broadcast on Thursday but wasn't posted 'till now because a certain Mortaron (not the author of this post of course, never him) had a few technical difficulties.

So this post is brought to you by sexy - but not slutty - knickers, Vikki, KGO-AM and our web-design guru, Chris Inclenrock.

Get the brief for next year's SuperBowl.

Advertising for Peanuts have posted the brief for next year's Bowl ads. I love their closing comment:

"So, let's either stop doing Super Bowl ads all together, or stop calling them ads. They're more like highly anticipated 30-second sitcom pilot episodes, with lots of product placement. Actually, that sounds like a really bad sitcom too, doesn't it?"

Thanks to AdRants for next year's SuperBowl logo.

Spend some time with Goldfrapp.

Check out the new tune and teaser site from UK rock-sensations Goldfrapp.

Why I Heart Service. (And not Bank of America).

So last night I get two telemarketing calls at dinnertime.  One from Bank of America offering me some new program and another from Audi seeking input on their customer service.

Considering both organizations have my email and home address I find myself amazed that their corporate marketing honchos continue to approve home phone invasions.

But then today, I get an email from a client about this incredible story of customer service by the tiny, online shoe company Zappos:

"One bright, extraordinary note in all of the sad stuff of the last few weeks - in May we had ordered several pairs of shoes from Zappos for my mom. She’d lost a lot of weight, and her old shoes were all too big. She had a whole new wardrobe of clothes in pretty colors, that fit, so I wanted her to have some pretty shoes that fit, too, when I took her up to Oregon to stay where her sister is. Out of seven pairs, only two fit....

The rest were here waiting to be returned. Because of various circumstances - lost label, my mom being hospitalized and me being away, the shoes were never sent back. There’s a time limit on the return of 15 days. Remember this. When you do a return to them, they pay the shipping, but you have to get the shoes to UPS yourself. Remember this, also.

When I came home this last time, I had an email from Zappos asking about the shoes, since they hadn’t received them. I was just back and not ready to deal with that, so I replied that my mom had died but that I’d send the shoes as soon as I could. They emailed back that they had arranged with UPS to pick up the shoes, so I wouldn’t have to take the time to do it myself. I was so touched. That’s going against corporate policy.

Yesterday, when I came home from town, a florist delivery man was just leaving. It was a beautiful arrangement in a basket with white lilies and roses and carnations. Big and lush and fragrant. I opened the card, and it was from Zappos. I burst into tears. I’m a sucker for kindness, and if that isn’t one of the nicest things I’ve ever had happen to me, I don’t know what is. So…" (Original post here).

Why is it that the big brands are willing cede decency and flexibility to the little guys?

Let's hear it for the challengers. Thanks for the note Tim!

"I didn't lie. I just didn't tell the truth."

In a recent post, we marveled over the stampeding crowds trying to get their paws on the limited edition Anya Hindmarch “I’m not a plastic bag” totes sold at Whole Foods. But as our friend over at freakgirl points out, the bags are produced under unethical conditions in China.

Which points to another green buzzword – greenwashing. Now that green is “in”, the concern is that some companies are marketing products under false, green pretenses. But Anya Hindmarch claims they never set out to create a sustainable product. They were simply designing a fashionable alternative to plastic bags.

Fair enough. But if a company is operating anywhere near the green movement, they better learn fast if they want to be seen as credible. Today’s consumer, especially when we’re talking LOHAS, demands the whole truth and nothing but the truth in the products they purchase. Full disclosure is critical. Even, it seems, if the whole truth includes some not-so-pretty details. Like manufacturing in China. LOHAS consumers are OK with imperfection. But they’ll do far more than stampede if they find out a product wasn’t as eco-friendly as it was made out to be.

Stampeding Fashionistas Unite over "I'm not a plastic bag"

I’ll admit it. I’ve scoffed at some of the articles claiming that “green is the new black.” No doubt, the green movement and the rise of the LOHAS segment is huge. But – come on. The new black?

I may be eating my words of doubt. As of dawn this morning, Whole Foods has sold out of their just-released “I’m not a plastic bag” totes by London designer Anya Hindmarch (whose bags typically retail for $1500 or more) amid horrendous lines and in some cases, stampeding. The sold-out bags are now being auctioned on eBay for over $200.

The NYC release follows several other city debuts of the bags. Most notably, eager purchasers in Taiwan stampeded, sending 30 people to the hospital and requiring the presence of the riot police. In Hong Kong, the police closed down the entire shopping mall.

The designer of “I’m not a plastic bag” (in this New York Times article) says, “I hate the idea of making the environment trendy, but you need to make it cool and then it becomes a habit.” True story. Here at Mortar we’ve spoken with a lot of LOHAS consumers and many would fit into what we would call the “green bandwagoner” mindset. I guess green really is the new black.